Let wings grow for me

A cry to God. A cry for new strength. I place my hope in Him.

The Bible promises that when we do this, wings like those of an eagle will grow for us. We will rise again and fly.

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.  (Isaiah 40:31 ESV)

How Did This Exhaustion Come About?

Do you know people like this?

They always find something to criticize. They cannot bear the thought that others might be good at something—or even better than they are. They deceive, manipulate, exclude, and remain silent when they should speak the truth. And when they do tell the truth, it is only in a way that flatters their own self-image.

They present themselves as weak in order to appeal to your willingness to help and your compassion. Once they have what they want, they diminish you with guilt, accusations, and lies. You are meant to be nobody so that they can be somebody.

Their public image matters deeply to them. Only they are allowed to shine. They block you, sabotage your plans, let you fail, and abandon you. They disappear without warning, become unreachable, threaten trouble and lawyers instead of taking responsibility and helping. And they are never at fault.

Of course, they would have done everything better. They know everything better. They believe they are right. They place themselves above everyone else. They create chaos. They want to cause harm. And when they succeed, they are satisfied—at least for a little while.

Their soul is wounded and finds no rest. Bitterness has taken root and grown deep, reaching into every corner of their thoughts and emotions. Its vines choke out everything good. What remains is an evil eye, envy and jealousy, rivalry, and even the deliberate destruction of others.

God gave me the ability to forgive.

I do not need to take revenge for all the injustice and suffering. That is God’s concern. He is just.

They say blood is thicker than water, but that was never true in our family. Sadly.

Eight years of struggle—unwanted struggle—against illness, death, injustice, and jealousy. God placed me at her side to protect her. But in the end, all that remained was scorched earth. Everything is broken.

My mother is now where she belongs. She is home with Jesus.

The road that led her there was painful—for me, but far, far more painful for her. In the song “Crowned” („Gekrönt“), I processed some of that journey, as well as in the blog post that tells the story behind the song.

After her stroke, I accompanied my mother all the way to Heaven’s door. She went home to the Lord in my arms.

That is my comfort.

I am empty, and I cry out to God for renewed joy in life and renewed strength. I am terribly tired, and everything feels numb. I gave everything I had. It was a battle for her soul.

My body is still exhausted. There are days when literally everything hurts, and every step is painful. And when memories come flooding back, I often wish for nothing more than the wings of an eagle, so that I could see everything from a distance and it would no longer hurt so much.

The body remembers everything—trauma, violence. It cannot easily release the frozen energy of threat and fear.

Everything within me longs for a peace that surpasses anything we humans know.

No more war.

Shalom.

Peace that comes from our holy God Himself and fills every cell and every fiber of our being.

I want to look forward again. I want to rise once more in the joy of living.

That is my prayer.

Right now, I cannot do it alone.

But with God’s help, I will.

That is the story behind “Let Wings Grow for Me.”